I'm risking a lot with even how much I've said already. Other criteria are also taken into consideration but you'd have to wear five sets of goggles to even read a description of how complicated they are. Naked, muscly ass with or without an excuse? Is the romantic lead a sassy female reporter? Is there a muddy fight in the rain, with everything on the line? And of course, splits. It's a scale from one to 10 that takes into consideration all of the important qualities of a picture. It's the standardized system I developed to measure the Van Dammajesty of any movie, except ones without Jean-Claude Van Damme in them. Now that you can gaze upon it without going mad, I will be using the standard Van Dammeter for each DVD. In fact, take out the word "please." If you don't do it, your eyes will only see a series of shapes that will tell your brain to die, so quit screwing around. Please cut out these official JCVD data decoding funglasses out and apply them to your head. Because of this, analysis of his film has to be carefully encoded.
Karate appeared on my shoulder as a special friend only I could see? Or when every second of Hard Target made my girlfriend pregnant.īefore we start, the film secrets of Jean-Claude Van Damme are extremely dangerous in the wrong hands.
But can his latest straight-to-DVD movies and I rekindle the spark we had back when he first dipped his fists in broken glass and it made me grow a beard? Or when he used the Dim Mak to explode a brick he wasn't even fucking touching and Dr. I've decided to go back to Jean-Claude, determined to make it work.
The point is, Jean-Claude can't take all the blame in this relationship.
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